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I Will Take Time

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Philip

It has been four months since I’ve last seen her, and her absence is like a crater in my heart.  At night, I lay awake staring at the ceiling and feeling phantom sensations of her fingertips running across my chest and the warmth of her breath condensing on my neck.

I feel like half of a person without her.  Less than half of a person, even.  Like perhaps a past version of myself would not even recognize what I have become.

There was nothing harder than to say goodbye to her, so I never vocalized those words.  I held on to that hope for so long that she’d come back, but I watched her walk away, and I think I knew.  I was fooling myself, but I knew she wasn’t coming back.

I dream of seeing her, being with her, but even my dreams pull her away before they end.  I can feel my own passion erupting in the air around me so thick that I can’t breathe, and then I wake up in a cold sweat clutching the sheets of the empty bed beside me.  I wonder, how do you feel without me there?  Is it anything like I feel?  Is it anything like you’d hoped it would feel?

Even during my waking hours, I can close my eyes and see her there.  I see the same scenes playing out over and over and no matter where I am, I break down – fall to my knees and suddenly taste the salt of my own tears.

You were never supposed to leave; never supposed to do this to me.  You didn’t even have the decency to leave me in one piece, so how am I supposed to put myself back together when I am scattered apart like so many petals of a rose?

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